Friday, April 29, 2011


The other day, Jim Tews (@jimtews) and I (@thezdurr) sat down to do the Lord's work: live-Tweet the early 90's children's hit movie: Free Willy. It spawned four (FOUR!) sequels. I had never seen it, but let's see what all the hoopla was about.

thezdurr: So far, a LOT of majestic whale footage. If I was in the theater, you’d hear “Der’s a whale! Dere’s anodder whale!”

thezdurr: Sea World must’ve pissed itself when this came out.

jimtews: True story: I quit the Alton Park peewee football team to go see this in the theater. In other words this movie changed my life.

thezdurr: These whalers are almost yelling “yarrrr!”, but I guess the director said hold back.

jimtews: Holy Shit, worst graphic titles I’ve ever seen. Some community college editor must’ve gotten their big break on this film

jimtews: The homeless tween problem in San Diego was a real epidemic.

thezdurr: Everytime I see a child actor, I marvel at their “too much hair”.

thezdurr: The homeless children have stolen a cake, gone to skate park, and spray painted some stuff. Better documented in the TMNT movie.

jimtews: I bet Jesse’s mom was hot. Hot mom’s always have charming street urchin kids.

thezdurr: The house this kid ran away from looks like Martha Stewart’s herb compound.

thezdurr: This is what being a foster is like? Free Nikes, a bedroom by the harbor? Why didn’t my parents make ME wards of the state?

jimtews: Michael Madsen should play “Stepdad” or “Foster Dad” in every movie ever.

thezdurr: Kid spray painted the word “piss” on the wall? Move over, Banksy!

jimtews: Oh, I get it. Willy and Jesse are both outcasts. Charming bad boys who only understand each other.

jimtews: Fill-in dads always think “playing catch” will form a father-son bond where there is none. Keep trying Michael Madsen.

jimtews: This kid is as bad at fake playing the harmonica as those girls in the Robert Palmer video were at fake playing the guitar.

thezdurr: This kid plays harmonica when he gets the blues. Man, what kid in the 90’s didn’t do that? It was like pogs!

jimtews: FACT: Killer whales hate the taste of smarmy, badass kids.

thezdurr: This movie dared to trade “magical negro” with “wise Native American”. Game changer!

jimtews: The characters just introduced are clearly bad guys. As indicated by their receding hair line and slicked back hair.

thezdurr: “Willy doesn’t like anybody”. Show, don’t tell! Let’s see him eat a baby or something!

jimtews: This would be a great movie to take a nap to. I can’t believe I gave up my football career to see this in the theater.

thezdurr: The young aqua park girl has the haircut of a Mary Lou Retten, and the line delivery of a automated telephone service.

thezdurr: This aqua park has three employees, including a nine year old! No wonder this whale is abused!

jimtews: Willy’s “talking” sound is creeping me the fuck out. He sounds like a crying Chewbacca.

jimtews: Why do you look so worried, Michael Madsen? Oh, never mind, that’s your face.

thezdurr: “Whales love to have their tongues rubbed” Yeah, play right into the whales plans.

thezdurr: “Whales love to have their tongues rubbed”. I have a lot in common with whales!

jimtews: Guess it’s not all Nikes, sweet BMX bikes and B.U.M. Equipment sweatshirts. Even foster parents fight.

thezdurr: Did they put peanut butter in Michael Madsen’s mouth to get him to do these lines? The man looks pained.

jimtews: Whale training: it’s so easy, even an unwanted child can do it.

thezdurr: Have you ever seen a Sea World act, and said “why haven’t they made a movie that’s just THIS?” No? Oh.

jimtews: Is this Sea World Philadelphia? The crowd is booing a child.

thezdurr: Its proven: nothing is funnier than adults booing a child.

thezdurr: Are we at act 2 now? It feels like act 53.

jimtews: Wonder if the whale had a tough time getting cast “You’d make a great Willy we just want a chemistry read before final casting.”

thezdurr: Hopeful ending: Willy is an elaborate housing for a sentient being, which chooses the kid as the New Earth’s “Adam”.

thezdurr: Hopeful ending: everyone just says: "let's call animal protective services", like a bunch of HUMAN BEINGS.

jimtews: I find it hard to believe a watering can full of sea mist could keep a whale alive for this long.

jimtews: Come on, Willy! Get a dorsal boner!

thezdurr: Ok, are we going to see a whale jump over this urchin or what?

thezdurr: Great, it happened. The poster happened.

thezdurr: Here’s the only other thing I knew about Free Willy - the most gospel-y thing MJ ever did.

jimtews: And wrap it up nicely with a Michael Jackson song. A box office gold-plated turd.

thezdurr: Between seeing this today and Madea yesterday, I’m burnt out on whale movies.

1 comment:

  1. And here's my tweet from beyond the live-tweet:

    nathansmart: if this movie is anything like the soundtrack, it will have the same songs