Monday, April 18, 2011


I have now thrilled to the mild, no-stakes, zero-roadblocks adventures of Julia Roberts learning to accept herself as a woman with lots of money and endless options. Here is the whole thing in real time, along with the very funny Mr. Jim Tews. Drink it in!

thezdurr: OKAY HERE WE GO! Take me away, J.Rob!

jimtews: Here we go

thezdurr: I think I already know where the budget for this movie went: Gaussian filters, sunflare effects and fern misters.

jimtews: Follow your heart, not your head. Right everyone? That's advice only rich white women can easily act upon.

jimtews: I'm already angry.

thezdurr: Four minutes in, and we got the J Rob puppet laugh! Worth the price of admission.

jimtews: "Liz, having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face"... They're both awful ideas.

thezdurr: You can tell J.Ro's hubby isn't cool, you can totally see all his skull coming out his face.

thezdurr: Leaving her husband because he wants to go back to school? That's the commitment pot calling the stick-to-it kettle etc.

jimtews: Are you there, God? It's me, Liz. An unsatisfied rich white woman. Thanks for everything, but I don't want it anymore....

jimtews: Nothing signifies a character's change in attitude like a self-help book binge scene.

thezdurr: This is like a Mamet play, in that there is no sympathetic characters.

thezdurr: The cinematographer's only instruction: EVERYONE IS SITTING BEHIND THE SUN.

jimtews: These bar scenes are shot in the corners of Manhattan that only appear when your income hits the high six-figures

thezdurr: James Franco is living in a Gossip Girl loft being used as a Yankee Candle storage unit.

jimtews: What's James Franco doing with that old chick? Oh, nevermind.

jimtews: Steven, being a flaky chick isn't a phase. Just let her go, bro.

thezdurr: Soundtrack available at Starbucks. Probably. In general.

jimtews: What would Liz watch to feel empowered enough to leave her husband? Ya-Ya Sisterhood? A little Traveling Pants perhaps?

jimtews: RT @thezdurr: Soundtrack available at Starbucks. Probably. In general.

jimtews: "I'm going to India, Italy and Bali... But first, I'm going to " huge missed opportunity for ad placement

jimtews: Liz is open minded and worldly, as indicated by the fact that her best friend is African-American.


jimtews: I give the writers credit for not making Liz's black friend end any of her inspirational sentences with "girlfriend!"

thezdurr: She just dropped a "I'm Liz, by the way". She just put the nail in my pet peeve coffin.

jimtews: "I've got a wonderful tutor... " He'll help you learn Italian.... He's not a greasy native who preys on toursits... Promise.

thezdurr: Oh, the old "juicy ravioli as vag" metaphor.

thezdurr: So far everything she's eaten you can eat in NYC. Everything she's prayed you can read out of a Chicken Soup for the Soul.

jimtews: "And then we ended up in this barbershop and everyone was so insightful!"

thezdurr: I'm not convinced she didn't just go to Epcot Center.

thezdurr: "Maybe you're a woman in search of a word"...Uh, she's being nice and telling you you're boring.

jimtews: Julia Roberts is really good at chew-talking.

jimtews: This bitch's fat pants are a size one.

thezdurr: There are two times of day in EPLverse: Sunrise and Sunset. NO MIDDLE GROUND.

jimtews: Sorry for calling that fictional character a bitch. I'm just fired up.

thezdurr: That poetic break-up email she just sent is going to be followed by a short, rude one when he bombs her Facebook wall.

thezdurr: This a-movie is a-burstin' with-a the stereotypes!

thezdurr: Thank god everyone but the adorable old people speak English! Really makes life easier!

jimtews: I hope that one day my multi-cultural family dinners are this smart and childless.

thezdurr: Onto India! What are you going to do, NOT play an M.I.A. song?

jimtews: I wish I could tweet you a gif of @thezdurr 's eyes rolling every 10 minutes.

thezdurr: She's in a place of silent meditation, so she's been given a Sandra Bullock-style cadance! You are wearing my eyerolls out!

thezdurr: Why did movie change it's title from "Religion For Dummies"?

thezdurr: "Oh My God, kill me". - YOU SAID IT, JULIE!!!

thezdurr: The lesson I've learned from this movie: when you're in a foreign country, find an American friend!

thezdurr: Every city seems to be in a time warp. What period is this movie set in? The nineteen who knowsies?

thezdurr: "Funny thing about weddings, you just end up thinking about yourself" Uh, that's how you've reacted to everything so far.

jimtews: Uh oh, there's a baby in this scene! That's a reminder, Liz. Your biological clock is ticking.

jimtews: Wait, what? That toothless Sherpa doesn't remember you, Liz? Because he's a carny, you fool.

thezdurr: We've arrived in Bali. So far, no poor people, and her spiritual leader is cute old hand puppet. Finding yourself looks fun!

thezdurr: Javier Bardem just came into the picture. Time to get Biutiful, girl!

thezdurr: Bardem is here to overcome the terrible dialogue! WHERE WERE YOU AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO, BARDEM?

jimtews: I haven't tweeted in a while because I got really into the movie. Someone hold me.

thezdurr: Bardem's son just asked his dad if he's slept with JRo yet? I'm all for open family dialogue, but UHHHHHH.

thezdurr: I just envisioned me asking my father about his sex life, and pale dead drop of sweat just ran down my face.

jimtews: I wish Bardem were playing his No Country character in this movie.

jimtews: How did a bladder infection slip it's way into the story line? Shit's gettin' real!

jimtews: I hope she learns something at the end of this movie.

jimtews: "I - I - I - I... I can't" : Who saw that line coming? Besides everybody.

jimtews: What's Javier Bardem doing with that old white woman? Oh, nevermind.

jimtews: New Liz is acting a lot like old Liz. Sounds like we're about to love our way into act three!

thezdurr: "Truly, this wonderful, responsibility-free American showed us all how to live!" - Poor people everywhere

thezdurr: All the natives in this movie talk like the wacky crew members in King Kong.

jimtews: I bet Ketut's mouth smells like the back of cab at the end of a hot day.

thezdurr: Ten more minutes? Wow, JRo learned how to sit quietly as well as eat, but WILL SHE LOVE?!?!?!?

thezdurr: I have a suspicion that Kutut has just memorized a lot of fortune cookies.

thezdurr: J Ro just left a note "Meet me at sunset!" DUHHHHH OF COURSE SUNSET.

jimtews: Please, girl. I wish I had your problems!

thezdurr: I've been groaning this whole time, like a night of unbridled passion, but the opposite.

jimtews: She's going to flake on you too Felipe. Liz can't make a decision to save her God damn life. Put that in a coffee table book.

jimtews: Poor women dye their hair or get a tattoo for self-discovery. Rich women eat, shit and fuck their way across the world.

thezdurr: It's done. I learned that every spiritual quest needs no sacrifice or realization of one's own faults. And yum-o food!

jimtews: Thanks everybody. Hope I didn't lose too many followers. @thezdurr and I will probably do this again with something awful.

thezdurr: Final review: Yuk Fart Glad I Illegally Downloaded It

1 comment:

  1. I give this live tweetin' four and a half stars out of a possible five.