Tuesday, May 24, 2011


Ask your theater about the "extra D" now offered!

Whoops, I forgot to keep writing about Summer Movies! Sorry to leave you on the tips of your behinds as to what I will say about the Smurf movie!

Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford battle extra terrestrials. Fanboys are hyped. Talk about an two actors known for their iconic characters! Who've thought we'd see Morning Glory's "Mike Pomeroy" and Road to Perdition's "Connor Rooney" sharing the screen together?

Does anyone think it's creepy that Smurfs advertising campaigns uses the word "Smurf" like the word "f**k"? ("Where the Smurf are we?" "Go Smurf yourself") Adults may think that it's harmless, but they'll change their tunes when kids start talking about their "Smurfbuddies".

What, the poster doesn't say "Go Pooh Yourself"? What ad exec was laying down on the job?

Hey, I just found a better title for Eat Pray Love!

It's called Dark Side of the Moon because if you start the Pink Floyd album at the same time as the movie, and then turn the movie off, it's a lot more enjoyable!

Kevin James looks into the abyss, the abyss looks back. Kevin farts.

America's everywoman, Julia Roberts, has a romance with America's everyman, Tom Hanks. They drive Ford Explorers, eat at Red Lobster, and decide that buying a Wii would help them exercise AND have fun!!!

Starring Justin Timberlake. If the "Friend" is Lance Bass, I will totally see it.

And hopefully the Last Superhero Origin story I will ever have to see.

Monday, May 16, 2011


An example of the CGI rendering in THOR.

I saw Thor! In 3-D! It made no difference seeing it in 3-D, except for when I started getting a headache from looking through glasses! I also heard it in 3-D, as the the person sitting next to me was eating a bag of what I can only assume was a bag of cellophane wrapped cellophane!
I actually wasn't super hot on seeing Thor, but then I found out Kenneth "Bam-Bam" Branagh was directing it, and I decided to see what the old Shakespeare fetishist would bring to the table.

By the hammer of the guy this movie is about, let's get into the plot!

Thor begins on the home planet of the gods, Asgard. (Branagh's first week of rehearsals with the cast was just an intensive workshop of not to pronounce it "Ass-guard") Asgard looks like you combined every Rush, Kansas, and Yes album cover into one huge gated community, and then you made everyone live in a pipe organ.

Anthony Hopkins plays Odin, the head god, who is super-powerful, but not quite powerful enough to replace his missing eye. He has two sons, named Thor and Loki. They look just like their names sound! Thor is as big as two barns (or eighteen of me), blond, and struts around in full George W mode, grinning and thumbs-up-ing and spoiling for war. Loki looks like he's going to a Alan Cumming lookalike contest and enjoys pouting.

In his big introduction scene, Thor is going to be made "King God" (or something), and Thor is plenty excited! His grin almost comes off his face, he is grinning so hard! However, on his commencement day, the kingdom is attacked by the Asgardians worst enemy: The Frost Giants. If I was writing this screenplay, I might have searched for a more legit-sounding name for a villainous race than the "Frost Giants". Yes, it sounds like a brand of anti-freeze, but it also just sounds like a racist term that the gods came up with. Surely the Frost Giants don't call themselves that! ("Nothing is made in Asgard anymore, you got them Frost Giants down south makin' everything, 'cause they work cheap, stealin' jobs from you and me." - Thor, being a total racist) The Frost Giants look like cold Freddy Kruegers, and were almost wiped out by Odin when he was a young god. Now they are back for revenge, in the form of stealing back their powerful glowing box from the palace. (I realize this is a vague way to describe what the box is. The movie is just about as good as me at explaining what the box is.)

This makes Thor mad! Roarrrrr! Thor smash! Thor takes his BFF soldiers over the "rainbow bridge" (trippppyyyyyyyy!!!) into Frost Giant country to battle the giants. This sparks a war, and Odin Lector is VERY disappointed in Thor, casting his son to Earth, where he meets the prettiest scientist in the universe: Natalie Portman. Portman is in every movie this year, right? Is there a contest between her and James Franco? Portman is a astronomer or physicist or something. If you thought the Frost Giants box was vague, wait until you hear about Natalie's scientific research. It seems to consist mostly of her pointing at brightly colored photos. More funding, please! Whatever she's doing gets put on the backburner when she discovers the heavenly body of Thor (har!) and together they have to figure out how to put the colliding worlds of the gods and humans back to rights.

This movie is made of a lot of loud, ridiculous plot points, but they're no more ridiculous or outlandish than any comic book (or Norse legend). I also hope Chris Hemsworth gets a lot more leading action movie roles (I bet I will get my wish, this movie is making a ton of money!). Is anyone else mystified at the Shia LaBeoufs and Jake Gyllenhaals of the world, getting cast as slammin' action stars? They got soft city hands, says I!

Of course, this is all just a pre-cursor to next years Avengers movie, where all the Marvel movie heroes team up to battle evil. All proceeds from the movies go towards the ultimate goal: Creating an indestructible clone of Stan Lee, where the walrus-mustached old salt can lead us into an new era of endless hero origin stories! Hooray for Hollywood!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011


And so we soldier on,
We, who have borne the months of solstice's kiss,

Into the happy gates

Of more studio-mandated Summer releases

-John Donne

Super 8:

Starring Elle Fanning. If we as a nation work together with the Fanning family, we can have the "female Baldwin" empire we deserve.

Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer:

If you go to see this movie, just do me a favor and say the whole title to the person selling tickets. It will be worth the price just to have that moment with yourself and them.

Bad Teacher
Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake used to date but now they do not date anymore and now they are in a movie together! That is so weird do you think they fight off camera between takes like me and my ex-gf would? LOL

Cars 2:

Remember how people got all bent out of shape, saying that WALL-E was a giant eco-green-party-liberal-brainwash parable for children? Well, here is your second "NASCAR-what-with-movie-star-voices" movie to wash that taste out of your mouth!

Green Lantern:

Guy finds super-suit, etc. Does anyone else feel like this already came out months ago?

Mr. Poppers Penguins:

Jim Carry plays Mr. Popper, and Andy Serkis plays all 15 penguins, probably.

X-Men: First Class:
AKA: Jim Henson's Mutant Babies.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011



Is everyone excited for Summer movies? Of course you are! We get to move out of the Spring season of dumb, throwaway movies that studios didn't expect to make a lot of money into the season of dumb, throwaway movies that studios expect to make a LOT of money!

I just missed out on writing about Scfouream, but here's what's coming for the month of May:

The Hangover 2:
Mel Gibson was supposed to be in this, but then everyone heard his misogynistic, racist phone calls, and he was fired. They can't sell tickets for their misogynistic, racist movie while he just gives it away!

The Beaver:
Mel Gibson teams up with Danny Glover to solve another crazy police case.

I wish it was about these guys:

Hobo With a Shotgun:
Could be called: "You Seeing Thor Instead"

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides:
Every new Pirates movie made is a missed opportunity to make my Spaceship Earth movie.

Kung Fu Panda 2:
My McDonalds toys from the first Kung Fu Panda will soon have playmates!

Jumping the Broom:
Pastor T.D. Jakes is producing this movie about two colliding African American families getting married. When Joel Osteen makes a movie, he can call it Doing The Chicken Dance.

Touched me in the bad way.

Finally, a poop and fart comedy by-men-for-women!

Midnight In Paris:
In this new Woody Allen comedy, I am going way out on a limb, and saying Owen Wilson plays a neurotic, exasperated man who wears plaid shirts and khakis.

Something Borrowed:
An awful, pretty girl with blond hair is going to get married to the guy that the wonderful, brunette girl likes. What will happen? (A: at least one "dancing around the living room to a Motown song" scene)