The other day, Jim Tews (@jimtews) and I (@thezdurr) sat down to do the Lord's work: live-Tweet the early 90's children's hit movie: Free Willy. It spawned four (FOUR!) sequels. I had never seen it, but let's see what all the hoopla was about.
thezdurr: So far, a LOT of majestic whale footage. If I was in the theater, you’d hear “Der’s a whale! Dere’s anodder whale!”
thezdurr: Sea World must’ve pissed itself when this came out.
jimtews: True story: I quit the Alton Park peewee football team to go see this in the theater. In other words this movie changed my life.
thezdurr: These whalers are almost yelling “yarrrr!”, but I guess the director said hold back.
jimtews: Holy Shit, worst graphic titles I’ve ever seen. Some community college editor must’ve gotten their big break on this film
jimtews: The homeless tween problem in San Diego was a real epidemic.
thezdurr: Everytime I see a child actor, I marvel at their “too much hair”.
thezdurr: The homeless children have stolen a cake, gone to skate park, and spray painted some stuff. Better documented in the TMNT movie.
jimtews: I bet Jesse’s mom was hot. Hot mom’s always have charming street urchin kids.
thezdurr: The house this kid ran away from looks like Martha Stewart’s herb compound.
thezdurr: This is what being a foster is like? Free Nikes, a bedroom by the harbor? Why didn’t my parents make ME wards of the state?
jimtews: Michael Madsen should play “Stepdad” or “Foster Dad” in every movie ever.
thezdurr: Kid spray painted the word “piss” on the wall? Move over, Banksy!
jimtews: Oh, I get it. Willy and Jesse are both outcasts. Charming bad boys who only understand each other.
jimtews: Fill-in dads always think “playing catch” will form a father-son bond where there is none. Keep trying Michael Madsen.
jimtews: This kid is as bad at fake playing the harmonica as those girls in the Robert Palmer video were at fake playing the guitar.
thezdurr: This kid plays harmonica when he gets the blues. Man, what kid in the 90’s didn’t do that? It was like pogs!
jimtews: FACT: Killer whales hate the taste of smarmy, badass kids.
thezdurr: This movie dared to trade “magical negro” with “wise Native American”. Game changer!
jimtews: The characters just introduced are clearly bad guys. As indicated by their receding hair line and slicked back hair.
thezdurr: “Willy doesn’t like anybody”. Show, don’t tell! Let’s see him eat a baby or something!
jimtews: This would be a great movie to take a nap to. I can’t believe I gave up my football career to see this in the theater.
thezdurr: The young aqua park girl has the haircut of a Mary Lou Retten, and the line delivery of a automated telephone service.
thezdurr: This aqua park has three employees, including a nine year old! No wonder this whale is abused!
jimtews: Willy’s “talking” sound is creeping me the fuck out. He sounds like a crying Chewbacca.
jimtews: Why do you look so worried, Michael Madsen? Oh, never mind, that’s your face.
thezdurr: “Whales love to have their tongues rubbed” Yeah, play right into the whales plans.
thezdurr: “Whales love to have their tongues rubbed”. I have a lot in common with whales!
jimtews: Guess it’s not all Nikes, sweet BMX bikes and B.U.M. Equipment sweatshirts. Even foster parents fight.
thezdurr: Did they put peanut butter in Michael Madsen’s mouth to get him to do these lines? The man looks pained.
jimtews: Whale training: it’s so easy, even an unwanted child can do it.
thezdurr: Have you ever seen a Sea World act, and said “why haven’t they made a movie that’s just THIS?” No? Oh.
jimtews: Is this Sea World Philadelphia? The crowd is booing a child.
thezdurr: Its proven: nothing is funnier than adults booing a child.
thezdurr: Are we at act 2 now? It feels like act 53.
jimtews: Wonder if the whale had a tough time getting cast “You’d make a great Willy we just want a chemistry read before final casting.”
thezdurr: Hopeful ending: Willy is an elaborate housing for a sentient being, which chooses the kid as the New Earth’s “Adam”.thezdurr: Hopeful ending: everyone just says: "let's call animal protective services", like a bunch of HUMAN BEINGS.
jimtews: I find it hard to believe a watering can full of sea mist could keep a whale alive for this long.
jimtews: Come on, Willy! Get a dorsal boner!
thezdurr: Ok, are we going to see a whale jump over this urchin or what?
thezdurr: Great, it happened. The poster happened.
thezdurr: Here’s the only other thing I knew about Free Willy - the most gospel-y thing MJ ever did.
jimtews: And wrap it up nicely with a Michael Jackson song. A box office gold-plated turd. http://youtu.be/_x3PQ5QhMJs
thezdurr: Between seeing this today and Madea yesterday, I’m burnt out on whale movies.