Sunday, February 27, 2011


I'm sure all of you tuned in last night to see James "Oil" Franco, and Anne "Water" Hathaway present the unseen, unsung heroes of the Hollywood entertainment machine with awards. Franco was acting like he was on a bad date, right? "Please stop talking about your astrological
chart and order an appetizer", his expression said. Here's the highlights, as I remember!

-Here's Kirk Douglas, just back from getting his ears gauged! You don't hurry an old man, and Douglas knows it. He takes his sweet time drooling over all the young tang (his words), and giving an award to the swearing lady.

-Then Buddy Hackett's half-cousin, "Oatmeal Mouth" played a song.

-Billy Crystal came out to show us how he is arranging his skin on his skull now. "Show Business!" says Billy. Then he introduces a crystal ball that plays footage of Bob Hope. Then "Bob Hope" introduces Robert Downey Jr. There is a CLEAR voice change when this happens. Whoever is doing the impression of Bob Hope sounds like Ed Sullivan doing an impression of Bob Hope. It is the "Inception" of impressions.

-Here's a picture of your dad and your dad's golfing buddy getting an award.

-We were treated to a "auto-tune movies" clip sketch.
A result of someone showing Bruce Vilanch what YouTube is, I guess.

-Sandra "Blind Sides" Bullock came out to do some old fashioned ribbin' of them movie stars. Sandra knows how to bring the some of her mamma's home cooked sass n brass, just like she was leaning against a pickle barrel, not in some air-conditioned theater! "Give another critter a chance to win an award!" she joked to Jeff Bridges. Bridges responded as only Bridges can.

-Halley Berry paid tribute to how Lena Horne paved the way for her to make Gothica and Catwoman.

-It was funny when James Franco came out in
a dress!

-My friend Jim IM'd me to say how much hotter Natalie Portman is now that she is pregnant. Niche fetishists of the internet rejoice. Meaning, the whole internet rejoices.

-The DVR I watched the awards on ended before the show did. I missed seeing the producer of The King's Speech thank his parents, as well as a bunch of children singing, I guess? I am not clear what the kids were going to be performing, but I dearly hope that it was a Rushmore-style musical re-enactment of the nominated films. I am just going to go with that, so please don't ruin it for me by telling me what it really was. There is no way anything is going to make me happier than imagining a child dressed as Javier Bardem singing alongside two little girls dressed as lesbian moms.

That's all the highlights! I hope you won the office pool! I hope someday to have a job, so I can participate in such "pools"!



  1. I especially liked how they never seemed to get all of the extra powder off of James Franco's face after his drag moment, so he looked sort of half dead for the rest of the broadcast.

    And how he kept inexplicably disappearing (I mean, it only made sense when they were doing his nominated category, but even then, he was only sitting backstage...)

    And the acting somewhat stoned thing seems to be par for the course.

    But don't get me wrong - I still think he's beautiful to look at.