Shame: Micheal Fassbender plays a sex addict in a movie critics are calling "courageous" in this NC-17 movie. That translates to "he shows his limp wang a lot!"
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy: The title of this movie has to be changed in Japan, as "Tinker Tailor: Soldier Spy" is what they call James Bond there.
New Years Eve: Sarah Jessica Parker returns to the silver screen in this follow-up to Valentines Day? Did I get an extra birthday cake this year? Two of my wishes just came true!
The Sitter: Jonah Hill plays a babysitter who is in charge of 3 kids for the night. Everything goes great, nothing unusual happens.
I Melt With You: This title reminds me of the Burger King advertisements that featured this song, which makes me hungry. Then I realize this is not a hamburger, but a Jeremy Piven movie. Booo for not being a hamburger, movie!
We Need To Talk About Kevin: They are really jumping the shark with Home Alone 4!
Sherlock Homes: A Game Of Shadows: If Robert Downey Jr can manage to star as the roguish hero in a third series of movies, he will merge souls with Johnny Depp, and apocalypse can commence.
Carnage: Horrible grown-ups yell at each other for an hour and a half. When I was told this was a stage play, I was like, a-no-a-doy.
Alvin & The Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked: You may not be looking forward to the third chipmunk installment, but it is going to look like Citizen Kane when those MC Skat Kat movies start coming out.
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: Better than my screenplay: Perkins Hostess With The Butterfly Trampstamp, I guess.
Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol: Tom Cruise's eccentric uncle is giving him one million dollars, if he can survive one night in spooky Ghost Protocol!
The Adventures of Tintin: Watch an army of elephantiasis-suffering meat puppets solve a mystery set in the 20's in this movie for children!
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close: THE HENRY ROLLINS STORY
The Darkest Hour: People battle invisible monsters. Way to save on special effects, Hollywood!
We Bought A Zoo: Cameron Crowe does it again! (Directs a miserable crap pile)
War Horse: Another Sarah Jessica Parker movie? (FART!)