'ARRY 'OTTER AN' 'E 'EATHLY 'ALLOWS! 'ART 'EVEN! 'OINT 'OO!

I saw Harry Potter 7.2 on opening night. And let it be known: out of all the Harry Potter movies that also sound like an updated software applications, this is the best! Action! Adventure! A-Tragedy!
Was there a lot of nerds in attendance that night? Yes, of course. But it was mostly full of totally normal, average people. I know everyone says how "nerdy" they are for likely HP, but honestly, we are at the point where that's like someone in the 70's saying what a sci-fi head they are for seeing Star Wars. It's just a part of being alive right now. "I hope they do justice to the final hours of Voldemort" - Your Grandma.
Guys, I wish I could tell you all about the movie's plot, and make some snarky comments. But I got massively distracted by the MOST EXCITING MOVIE NEWS SINCE TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART ONE WAS ANNOUNCED: I SAW THE NEW TAYLOR LAUTNER MOVIE TRAILER!!!!!!!!



That looks like the coolest car commercial ever! Do you think Jacob can trust Doc Oc and Ripley in this game of cat and perfectly-sculpted mouse? It was literally all I could think about for the next 125 minutes. It was so distracting, I will have to show you what I remembered watching HP7 was like, rather than what actually happened:

Lumos Lautner! (The spell-binding thing is behind you Harry!!!!)

I hope Harry's not dead! And that Taylor never puts his shirt back on!

Pass that magic football Neville's way, Jacob!!!!

Harry makes sure that Taylor's abs aren't a Horcrux! LOL!

All the Death Eaters are so totally blown away by Taylor Lautner,
that they all explode into rainbows.

What a ride! Accio you next time, or whatever!

GROAN LANTERN (Outta the way, MAD Magazine!)

Man, oh man. I did not want Green Lantern to be my next review. Tree Of Life is out, right? And yet, there I sat, shelling out $123.64 to see a movie that I could've cared less about. It was a result of peer-pressure. The pressure stemmed from having spare time, and was standing in a movie theater lobby with a friend who had already seen Super 8. Our choice was either a movie about fighting robots starring Indy Jones Jr., Mad Men: X-Men Edition, or a documentary about turtles. SUMMERTIME! We literally looked at each other, shrugged, and said: "Green Lantern"? And judging from what I saw onscreen, that was how the producers decided to make this movie!

I was never into Green Lantern, as I find his power as confusing as I do sort of lame: The hero has a ring that is green, because it's made out of Willpower, which is green, duh. He also has a lantern made out of the same material, and he needs the lantern to charge the ring up, for reasons I don't totally get. Like, the lantern holds a power supply, fine, but it's not like it's a HUGE lantern, or that it plugs into anything, so if it is endlessly self-sufficient, power-wise, why wouldn't the ring power itself as well? I guess you couldn't just call him "Green Ring", that sounds like a problem you would have with your bathtub. So he has this ring, and whatever he can imagine will be created by the ring. But if he doesn't imagine it hard enough, then it won't be very strong? UH-OH BETTER CALL IN THIS GUY!


What is Green Lantern's biggest enemy? FEAR! Fear is the enemy of Willpower, I guess, and fear's color is yellow, so green is enemy of yellow. But did you know green is partially made up of yellow? It's true, I went to art school for five years. (Five!) So, is Willpower partially fear? Also, when you fight yellow stuff with green stuff, it seems to hurt it physically, so is all this "stuff" solid matter, or a spiritual force? I DON'T CARE IF THERE IS A MILLION DIFFERENT COMICS THAT WILL TRY TO EXPLAIN THIS, I'M WATCHING ONE MOVIE. If I want a movie that makes no sense out of context to the book, I'll watch Dune, because at least it has Sting in a hilarious codpiece.

If you are a regular reader of my reviews, you know that I can joke around with a movie that I actually like. "Joke joke joke. Nah, just kidding, you're okay." I'm like a terrible, insulting friend to those movies! Not this one. How can you make a movie about a hero that can create literally anything, who gets his training in OUTER SPACE so boring?

Ryan Reynolds plays a fighter pilot who, we are told 5,000 times, is the best. He is also a reckless risk-taker. I would think that those two things would go hand in hand, but I will fully admit, I am not a pilot! His super-hot girl co-pilot thinks he is taking too many chances. She is so mad at him for being late to plane-flying, that she refuses to be his girlfriend until the last ten minutes of the movie!

So Ryan Reynolds ends up crashing a plane, because he remembers how his hotshot pilot dad crashed a plane? His freak-out is triggered by the photo he has of his dad IN THE COCKPIT WITH HIM. We see a flashback of baby Green Lantern seeing the whole thing go down, (although he could just be remembering a scene from Top Gun) and he looks about nine years old. Now, I realize that you would never totally get over a traumatic event like that, but Reynolds has apparently gotten over it to the point that he grew up to be a pilot, so how hair-trigger can he be?

In any event, he loses his job, and goes to the local pilot bar for a drink, where they keep the EXACT SAME PHOTO of his father behind the bar. Was his dad just handing out headshots to everyone? ("Which look do I choose, smiling with teeth or no teeth?" - G. Lantern's dad, R.I.P.)
As he leaves the bar, he gets beat up in the parking lot, but fights back with his newfound Green Lantern powers.

Oh, did I forget to mention that a dying alien crash-landed on earth, gave the lantern and ring to Reynolds, told him that he was a defender of Earth, and passed away? Well, he did.


Eventually Reynolds gets flown to outer space, where he is given a green suit made of pure energy to protect his body, and a mask "to disguise your identity when there is danger". Hahahaha! I don't know how it works on other planets, but it may take more than eye-diapers to really shroud a hero in mystery. Are we still really holding onto this idea? What year is this? Is there a communist listening in on my rotary phone? Can I see Milton Berle in a dress on my kinetoscope?

Paris Hilton, ready for STEALTH MODE

So the exposition aliens tell him that he has to represent Earth for the power of good, and that he can only be a hero when he learns to believe in himself, and to treasure every sunset, and when there was one set of footprints it was Him carrying you, and you can't save every starfish on the beach but it mattered to that one, etc. etc. Ultimately, it doesn't matter how many motivational posters they show him, Great Fear do they still feel in this one, so they shoot him back to Earth.

Oh brother, am I still re-capping this? Look, if you've ever seen a superhero movie, you know this whole drill, beat by beat. For as short as this movie is, it's almost exhausting seeing something trudge along in the exact way you think it will. Lantern learns to use his powers, gets the girl, find out how to face his fear. Time for a sequel.

And don't get me started on this:


One of the villains works as a science teacher in the Science Building. THE SCIENCE BUILDING? This movie had FOUR WRITERS ON IT!

(If Mad Magazine editors are reading this, I would love an interview. Here are some other title pitches:

GRIM LAN-TURD
CREAMED LAMB-TURN
BRRAAAP LANTERN
YEEECCCHHH LANTERN
BRRAAAPP YEEECCHHH-TERN )

HORRIBLE BOSSES - AMAZING CGI

Sure, everyone is excited to see Kevin Spacey, Jennifer Aniston, and Brainiac as the bosses...but I can't wait to see Jason Bateman play THREE DIFFERENT roles as the harried employees! From a quick look at the poster, he will be playing "classic Bateman", "bearded Bateman", and "super stressed Bateman". It must have cost a pretty penny to use the extensive CGI necessary to put all three Batemans together in a full length movie, but I guarantee the revenue will come back in the form of laughs! It's weird that they didn't make the characters look a little more different from one another, but hey, if there's one actor who can pull it off, it's "The Bate-Master"!

SUMMER MOVIEZ: JULY

Ask your theater about the "extra D" now offered!

Whoops, I forgot to keep writing about Summer Movies! Sorry to leave you on the tips of your behinds as to what I will say about the Smurf movie!

COWBOYS AND ALIENS:
Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford battle extra terrestrials. Fanboys are hyped. Talk about an two actors known for their iconic characters! Who've thought we'd see Morning Glory's "Mike Pomeroy" and Road to Perdition's "Connor Rooney" sharing the screen together?

THE SMURFS
Does anyone think it's creepy that Smurfs advertising campaigns uses the word "Smurf" like the word "f**k"? ("Where the Smurf are we?" "Go Smurf yourself") Adults may think that it's harmless, but they'll change their tunes when kids start talking about their "Smurfbuddies".

WINNIE THE POOH
What, the poster doesn't say "Go Pooh Yourself"? What ad exec was laying down on the job?

CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE
Hey, I just found a better title for Eat Pray Love!

TRANSFORMERS: DARK SIDE OF THE MOON
It's called Dark Side of the Moon because if you start the Pink Floyd album at the same time as the movie, and then turn the movie off, it's a lot more enjoyable!

ZOOKEEPER
Kevin James looks into the abyss, the abyss looks back. Kevin farts.

LARRY CROWNE
America's everywoman, Julia Roberts, has a romance with America's everyman, Tom Hanks. They drive Ford Explorers, eat at Red Lobster, and decide that buying a Wii would help them exercise AND have fun!!!

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS
Starring Justin Timberlake. If the "Friend" is Lance Bass, I will totally see it.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER
And hopefully the Last Superhero Origin story I will ever have to see.

"THOR" PUN ARTICLE TITLE!

An example of the CGI rendering in THOR.

I saw Thor! In 3-D! It made no difference seeing it in 3-D, except for when I started getting a headache from looking through glasses! I also heard it in 3-D, as the the person sitting next to me was eating a bag of what I can only assume was a bag of cellophane wrapped cellophane!
I actually wasn't super hot on seeing Thor, but then I found out Kenneth "Bam-Bam" Branagh was directing it, and I decided to see what the old Shakespeare fetishist would bring to the table.

By the hammer of the guy this movie is about, let's get into the plot!

Thor begins on the home planet of the gods, Asgard. (Branagh's first week of rehearsals with the cast was just an intensive workshop of not to pronounce it "Ass-guard") Asgard looks like you combined every Rush, Kansas, and Yes album cover into one huge gated community, and then you made everyone live in a pipe organ.
Anthony Hopkins plays Odin, the head god, who is super-powerful, but not quite powerful enough to replace his missing eye. He has two sons, named Thor and Loki. They look just like their names sound! Thor is as big as two barns (or eighteen of me), blond, and struts around in full George W mode, grinning and thumbs-up-ing and spoiling for war. Loki looks like he's going to a Alan Cumming lookalike contest and enjoys pouting.

In his big introduction scene, Thor is going to be made "King God" (or something), and Thor is plenty excited! His grin almost comes off his face, he is grinning so hard! However, on his commencement day, the kingdom is attacked by the Asgardians worst enemy: The Frost Giants. If I was writing this screenplay, I might have searched for a more legit-sounding name for a villainous race than the "Frost Giants". Yes, it sounds like a brand of anti-freeze, but it also just sounds like a racist term that the gods came up with. Surely the Frost Giants don't call themselves that! ("Nothing is made in Asgard anymore, you got them Frost Giants down south makin' everything, 'cause they work cheap, stealin' jobs from you and me." - Thor, being a total racist) The Frost Giants look like cold Freddy Kruegers, and were almost wiped out by Odin when he was a young god. Now they are back for revenge, in the form of stealing back their powerful glowing box from the palace. (I realize this is a vague way to describe what the box is. The movie is just about as good as me at explaining what the box is.)

This makes Thor mad! Roarrrrr! Thor smash! Thor takes his BFF soldiers over the "rainbow bridge" (trippppyyyyyyyy!!!) into Frost Giant country to battle the giants. This sparks a war, and Odin Lector is VERY disappointed in Thor, casting his son to Earth, where he meets the prettiest scientist in the universe: Natalie Portman. Portman is in every movie this year, right? Is there a contest between her and James Franco? Portman is a astronomer or physicist or something. If you thought the Frost Giants box was vague, wait until you hear about Natalie's scientific research. It seems to consist mostly of her pointing at brightly colored photos. More funding, please! Whatever she's doing gets put on the backburner when she discovers the heavenly body of Thor (har!) and together they have to figure out how to put the colliding worlds of the gods and humans back to rights.

This movie is made of a lot of loud, ridiculous plot points, but they're no more ridiculous or outlandish than any comic book (or Norse legend). I also hope Chris Hemsworth gets a lot more leading action movie roles (I bet I will get my wish, this movie is making a ton of money!). Is anyone else mystified at the Shia LaBeoufs and Jake Gyllenhaals of the world, getting cast as slammin' action stars? They got soft city hands, says I!

Of course, this is all just a pre-cursor to next years Avengers movie, where all the Marvel movie heroes team up to battle evil. All proceeds from the movies go towards the ultimate goal: Creating an indestructible clone of Stan Lee, where the walrus-mustached old salt can lead us into an new era of endless hero origin stories! Hooray for Hollywood!

SUMMER MOVIEZ: JUNE

And so we soldier on,
We, who have borne the months of solstice's kiss,
Into the happy gates
Of more studio-mandated Summer releases
-John Donne

Super 8:
Starring Elle Fanning. If we as a nation work together with the Fanning family, we can have the "female Baldwin" empire we deserve.

Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer:
If you go to see this movie, just do me a favor and say the whole title to the person selling tickets. It will be worth the price just to have that moment with yourself and them.

Bad Teacher:
Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake used to date but now they do not date anymore and now they are in a movie together! That is so weird do you think they fight off camera between takes like me and my ex-gf would? LOL

Cars 2:
Remember how people got all bent out of shape, saying that WALL-E was a giant eco-green-party-liberal-brainwash parable for children? Well, here is your second "NASCAR-what-with-movie-star-voices" movie to wash that taste out of your mouth!

Green Lantern:
Guy finds super-suit, etc. Does anyone else feel like this already came out months ago?

Mr. Poppers Penguins:
Jim Carry plays Mr. Popper, and Andy Serkis plays all 15 penguins, probably.

X-Men: First Class:
AKA: Jim Henson's Mutant Babies.

SUMMER MOVIEZ: MAY

SummerMovies.jpg

Is everyone excited for Summer movies? Of course you are! We get to move out of the Spring season of dumb, throwaway movies that studios didn't expect to make a lot of money into the season of dumb, throwaway movies that studios expect to make a LOT of money!

I just missed out on writing about Scfouream, but here's what's coming for the month of May:

The Hangover 2:
Mel Gibson was supposed to be in this, but then everyone heard his misogynistic, racist phone calls, and he was fired. They can't sell tickets for their misogynistic, racist movie while he just gives it away!

The Beaver:
Mel Gibson teams up with Danny Glover to solve another crazy police case.

Thor:
I wish it was about these guys:

Hobo With a Shotgun:
Could be called: "You Seeing Thor Instead"

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides:
Every new Pirates movie made is a missed opportunity to make my Spaceship Earth movie.

Kung Fu Panda 2:
My McDonalds toys from the first Kung Fu Panda will soon have playmates!

Jumping the Broom:
Pastor T.D. Jakes is producing this movie about two colliding African American families getting married. When Joel Osteen makes a movie, he can call it Doing The Chicken Dance.

Priest:
Touched me in the bad way.

Bridesmaids:
Finally, a poop and fart comedy by-men-for-women!

Midnight In Paris:
In this new Woody Allen comedy, I am going way out on a limb, and saying Owen Wilson plays a neurotic, exasperated man who wears plaid shirts and khakis.

Something Borrowed:
An awful, pretty girl with blond hair is going to get married to the guy that the wonderful, brunette girl likes. What will happen? (A: at least one "dancing around the living room to a Motown song" scene)